It Can't Be Right

I stood on the scale tonight.  Not once or twice.  Eight times.  It was not conceivable that the scale was correct.  Impossible.  Not a single cell in my brain (even right now) believes that the scale is correct.  I left it sitting on the bathroom floor, yelled for my husband to "get up here", and made him step on to see if he thought the scale was inaccurate.  Nope.

How could this be??? 

According to the "inaccurate" scale, I have lost weight.  It has to be wrong.  I can not believe otherwise.  I have abused my body over the last several weeks.  I mean that - abused.  And I expected a punishment for the abuse.  The punishment of a weight gain.

Especially based on the last seven days.  I find myself standing in the pantry eating chocolate truffles, caramel corn, almond roca, brownies...and within seconds of swallowing the last bit, thinking 'I need another'.  In the same way I imagine an alcoholic craving the next drink.  Just one more.  Not in the same way that you might crave lemonade in the summer.  Rather, an urge.  Like a mosquito bite you have to scratch or the sensation to sneeze.

Up until tonight, I've been avoiding the scale.  I assumed I'd gained ten pounds, and didn't want to face that reality.  So, the results on the scale are shocking. 

I often tell my clients who have sudden weight gain over a weekend or a vacation "Don't worry.  Those pounds don't belong to you.  They didn't belong to you a week ago, so tell yourself they don't belong to you now."  The theory being if you don't allow your mind to hold on to the weight, neither will your body.  Apparently this works on an unconscious level as well.  Somewhere in my unconscious I have convinced myself that my weight is what it is.  I may make bad choices here and there, but over time, I balance my choices.

I don't have to trust that the scale is right.  I only need to trust that I am ok with me.  I trust that I know how to make good choices.

New Year, New You...Give Me a Break

Every magazine in the check out aisle has some version of "New Year, New You".  As if the tick-tock of Midnight on December 31st unlocks the Houdini straight jacket that I've been living in.  Can you relate to my reference?  I feel that I have been bound by my body, that I have surrounded myself with layers of thick canvas and chains (also known as fat).  And I want the quick fix of a "key" that releases the lock that keeps holding me back.

I've been on a roller coaster since October.  Moments of blissful control, followed by the mindblowing plunge into "I'll eat whatever the hell I want" land.  Whee!  Then the roller coaster slows and begins to click-click-click up the control peak, reaches the top for a split second, then without a moment to catch my breath, I slip off the edge and speed toward the pastry counter.

But the solution is here.  Just read the headlines.  New Year.  New Me.  Yeah. 

I want to buy it.  Sort of.

What I really want is to feel the power of choice.  The power of good choices.  I've felt it before.  But it isn't a quick fix.  The way to gain power is through subtle shifts toward stability, instead of huge swings between good and evil.  Something as simple as "I'm going to eat 1/4 cup of vegtables every day this week" could be the start of a new beginning for me.  That sounds "stupid easy" and I need "stupid easy" to guaruntee I feel successful.

hmmm...so now I'm sitting here thinking 'is that easy enough'?  No judgement, peanut gallery friends.  I'm just being honest with myself.  It isn't the amount, but rather, the preparation.  I need to go to the store, stock the fridge and set myself up for success.  By the way, this new year, new me plan starts tomorrow - Dec. 27th.  I don't need the ticking of a clock to tell me it's time to change.